[ such a short time, barely anything in the life of a jedi. qui-gon turns his head, breathing out the sorrow he feels that the life he had anticipated for his padawan had not eventuated ]
I find myself having to let go of many things that I am learning I will not live to see. This will be the hardest, I believe.
[ obi-wan bows. it is not a reproach and obi-wan knows he is not solely responsible. but the weight remains. have you done as I asked? and the answer echoes back to him, no, no, no I failed.
I tried and I failed. And the difference is painful. ]
[ qui-gon had mediated on that. on anakin's revelation that he'd killed the sith who came after maul. at the time he'd been too caught in his own thoughts to notice anything strange, but... ]
[ it's so much, the weight of it all on his shoulders at once, that for a long moment qui-gon just breathes. the force is there, he knows. and he knows that the light will prevail, though he cannot see how.
right now he just has to grieve for all the things which will no longer be.
and it's that which prompts him to ask something he hadn't planned ]
Was there ever a time, a moment, when you or Anakin felt, or perhaps heard, through the Force-- that is. After Naboo, you did not sense me again--?
[ that is it, then. he'd known he still hadn't mastered what the shaman of the whills had taught, but surely if he'd been able to at all, war against his fallen matter would have been the time to reach out to the jedi and do what he could ]
[ his gut turns. it had been a lie. or had it? mortis had been confusing. strange. too much had happened there, too many signs that obi-wan was blind to. was he blinding himself even now and leading qui-gon along?
no. this was his failure to shoulder. ]
It may have been felt by someone else.
[ yoda. anakin. people stronger in the force than obi-wan.
obi-wan, after all, has never been qui-gon's first choice. ]
Unlikely, given all that you've told me has happened.
[ with dooku fallen and the jedi at war, qui-gon knows who he would try to contact first.
but he hadn't, so he had failed. qui-gon is subdued, almost resigned, as he continues]
I... never had the chance to tell you this, but during my travels I came to visit the Whills. From their shaman I learned there was a way for individuals to retain their sense of individuality after death.
There is much to master in what he taught me, and my progress, it seems, has not been enough.
[ qui-gon looks up again. he recognises the hurt in that tone and it makes it easy to release the weight he's accumulated. in this moment, he has unknowingly hurt his apprentice again, something he knows he has done more than he should. ]
You're- you were my apprentice, Obi-Wan. There were more important things for you to learn. And there would have been time to tell you, once you were ready.
[ like obi-wan had been ready to face the trials with no hint from qui-gon whatsoever? he doesn't bite his tongue but it is a near-miss instinct, a cheek gnawed instead. obi-wan isn't petty. nor is he angry. he can't even say he's disappointed.
[ the feeling that he has been a poor master to obi-wan is a familiar one ]
You think I ought to have told you?
[ he can't keep that feeling of failure from his voice as he says it. he's weathered too much in the last few minutes, and obi-wan has both his respect and trust. he can be honest. ]
[ he can only manage a half smile for a moment, but it eases into something more genuine as his focus comes back to the present. towards his old apprentice.
the weight of his failures, of the failures of his master, of the senate-- they're all still there in the periphery of his awareness. but here stands a jedi who has faced them all and more, and still reacts with gentleness and kindness and humour. ]
It seems that, despite me, you've become a greater Jedi than I could have imagined, Obi-Wan.
And yet my appreciation of you specifically is undiminished.
[ none of those other jedi are his former apprentice, so qui-gon is unrepentant in allowing himself to wholeheartedly embrace this bright moment in a sea of things he must put aside ]
Really? After all the difficult news you've shared with me of what's to come, do you find it hard to believe I might take some relief in knowing that at least one of the things I thought certain is in fact so?
[ dooku no longer a jedi, the senate no longer trustworthy, his own training not as sound as he had thought... ]
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[ obi-wan breathes it out. focus. ]
We discovered the plot ten years after the battle of Naboo.
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[ such a short time, barely anything in the life of a jedi. qui-gon turns his head, breathing out the sorrow he feels that the life he had anticipated for his padawan had not eventuated ]
I find myself having to let go of many things that I am learning I will not live to see. This will be the hardest, I believe.
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I tried and I failed. And the difference is painful. ]
Then you should hear it all.
He is dead.
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Anakin?
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I didn't see the end myself, I'm afraid. I was incapacitated.
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right now he just has to grieve for all the things which will no longer be.
and it's that which prompts him to ask something he hadn't planned ]
Was there ever a time, a moment, when you or Anakin felt, or perhaps heard, through the Force-- that is. After Naboo, you did not sense me again--?
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No. Not that I know of.
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No. That would have been too much to hope--
[ he cuts himself off. ]
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no. this was his failure to shoulder. ]
It may have been felt by someone else.
[ yoda. anakin. people stronger in the force than obi-wan.
obi-wan, after all, has never been qui-gon's first choice. ]
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[ with dooku fallen and the jedi at war, qui-gon knows who he would try to contact first.
but he hadn't, so he had failed. qui-gon is subdued, almost resigned, as he continues]
I... never had the chance to tell you this, but during my travels I came to visit the Whills. From their shaman I learned there was a way for individuals to retain their sense of individuality after death.
There is much to master in what he taught me, and my progress, it seems, has not been enough.
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I — I never knew.
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You're- you were my apprentice, Obi-Wan. There were more important things for you to learn. And there would have been time to tell you, once you were ready.
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what is he then? ]
. . . Of course.
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You think I ought to have told you?
[ he can't keep that feeling of failure from his voice as he says it. he's weathered too much in the last few minutes, and obi-wan has both his respect and trust. he can be honest. ]
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Focus on the present. Isn't that what you always say? The time has passed for those questions.
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Using your old master's words against him?
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[ the cobwebs of failure will linger, but obi-wan will brush them off soon. probably. ]
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the weight of his failures, of the failures of his master, of the senate-- they're all still there in the periphery of his awareness. but here stands a jedi who has faced them all and more, and still reacts with gentleness and kindness and humour. ]
It seems that, despite me, you've become a greater Jedi than I could have imagined, Obi-Wan.
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I do as I must. As any Jedi would.
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[ none of those other jedi are his former apprentice, so qui-gon is unrepentant in allowing himself to wholeheartedly embrace this bright moment in a sea of things he must put aside ]
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[ not skeptical, just suspicious! he says this in good humour though. ]
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[ dooku no longer a jedi, the senate no longer trustworthy, his own training not as sound as he had thought... ]
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[ but obi-wan shakes his head. ]
But all that news is simply overwhelming because it's coming all at once. It will pass.