[ this is a conversation obi-wan never expected to have or face. though, to be fair, when has anything ever worked out the way obi-wan has wanted to? ]
Corruption within the Senate. He managed to convince a great number of worlds to separate from the Senate. But then he started an outright invasion of other worlds. That cannot be borne, no matter his reasons.
[ reaching for something he can't feel, qui-gon finds himself deeply missing the steadying presence of the force. he doesn't need it, he knows that, but in all other moments when he's felt alone it's been there with him ]
The corruption must have been extensive, to lead him to react so drastically.
[ especially now that obi-wan knows the truth. but people died on geonosis. jedi died. obi-wan's family. once dooku's family. and dooku kept on, in his desire to be right, into tearing the galaxy apart for a sith lord's whims. to be right.
no desire for rightness is worth what happened next. but obi-wan was getting caught up in his own thoughts, his own brief anger. obi-wan had never liked politicians or the senate either. ]
And obviously, it has gotten worse during the war. The Senate isn't held in check like it used to be.
[ he shakes his head; to himself rather than anything obi-wan has said. his master had always held the senate in such high regard. held such hope in the things it might achieve. and now...? ]
Checks and balances are hard to keep during times of war.
[ to dying, to fighting, to killing. these were things a jedi prepared for, but... not on such a scale as this.
he raises his head towards his old apprentice ]
How long did you have? After my passing but before--
[ such a short time, barely anything in the life of a jedi. qui-gon turns his head, breathing out the sorrow he feels that the life he had anticipated for his padawan had not eventuated ]
I find myself having to let go of many things that I am learning I will not live to see. This will be the hardest, I believe.
[ obi-wan bows. it is not a reproach and obi-wan knows he is not solely responsible. but the weight remains. have you done as I asked? and the answer echoes back to him, no, no, no I failed.
I tried and I failed. And the difference is painful. ]
[ qui-gon had mediated on that. on anakin's revelation that he'd killed the sith who came after maul. at the time he'd been too caught in his own thoughts to notice anything strange, but... ]
[ it's so much, the weight of it all on his shoulders at once, that for a long moment qui-gon just breathes. the force is there, he knows. and he knows that the light will prevail, though he cannot see how.
right now he just has to grieve for all the things which will no longer be.
and it's that which prompts him to ask something he hadn't planned ]
Was there ever a time, a moment, when you or Anakin felt, or perhaps heard, through the Force-- that is. After Naboo, you did not sense me again--?
[ that is it, then. he'd known he still hadn't mastered what the shaman of the whills had taught, but surely if he'd been able to at all, war against his fallen matter would have been the time to reach out to the jedi and do what he could ]
[ his gut turns. it had been a lie. or had it? mortis had been confusing. strange. too much had happened there, too many signs that obi-wan was blind to. was he blinding himself even now and leading qui-gon along?
no. this was his failure to shoulder. ]
It may have been felt by someone else.
[ yoda. anakin. people stronger in the force than obi-wan.
obi-wan, after all, has never been qui-gon's first choice. ]
Unlikely, given all that you've told me has happened.
[ with dooku fallen and the jedi at war, qui-gon knows who he would try to contact first.
but he hadn't, so he had failed. qui-gon is subdued, almost resigned, as he continues]
I... never had the chance to tell you this, but during my travels I came to visit the Whills. From their shaman I learned there was a way for individuals to retain their sense of individuality after death.
There is much to master in what he taught me, and my progress, it seems, has not been enough.
[ qui-gon looks up again. he recognises the hurt in that tone and it makes it easy to release the weight he's accumulated. in this moment, he has unknowingly hurt his apprentice again, something he knows he has done more than he should. ]
You're- you were my apprentice, Obi-Wan. There were more important things for you to learn. And there would have been time to tell you, once you were ready.
[ like obi-wan had been ready to face the trials with no hint from qui-gon whatsoever? he doesn't bite his tongue but it is a near-miss instinct, a cheek gnawed instead. obi-wan isn't petty. nor is he angry. he can't even say he's disappointed.
[ the feeling that he has been a poor master to obi-wan is a familiar one ]
You think I ought to have told you?
[ he can't keep that feeling of failure from his voice as he says it. he's weathered too much in the last few minutes, and obi-wan has both his respect and trust. he can be honest. ]
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Count Dooku.
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though he'd realised the sith had no reason to lie, he had nevertheless held out a fragment of hope she had been misleading him ]
I see.
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I'm sorry, Master. He made his choice long ago.
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Once he'd made up his mind, he was always very hard to sway.
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[ not just one war. an endless war, spread across the galaxy. dragging the jedi along with him. ]
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a very long moment passes ]
Did he ever give a reason why?
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Corruption within the Senate. He managed to convince a great number of worlds to separate from the Senate. But then he started an outright invasion of other worlds. That cannot be borne, no matter his reasons.
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The corruption must have been extensive, to lead him to react so drastically.
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[ especially now that obi-wan knows the truth. but people died on geonosis. jedi died. obi-wan's family. once dooku's family. and dooku kept on, in his desire to be right, into tearing the galaxy apart for a sith lord's whims. to be right.
no desire for rightness is worth what happened next. but obi-wan was getting caught up in his own thoughts, his own brief anger. obi-wan had never liked politicians or the senate either. ]
And obviously, it has gotten worse during the war. The Senate isn't held in check like it used to be.
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Checks and balances are hard to keep during times of war.
[ to dying, to fighting, to killing. these were things a jedi prepared for, but... not on such a scale as this.
he raises his head towards his old apprentice ]
How long did you have? After my passing but before--
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[ obi-wan breathes it out. focus. ]
We discovered the plot ten years after the battle of Naboo.
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[ such a short time, barely anything in the life of a jedi. qui-gon turns his head, breathing out the sorrow he feels that the life he had anticipated for his padawan had not eventuated ]
I find myself having to let go of many things that I am learning I will not live to see. This will be the hardest, I believe.
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I tried and I failed. And the difference is painful. ]
Then you should hear it all.
He is dead.
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Anakin?
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I didn't see the end myself, I'm afraid. I was incapacitated.
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right now he just has to grieve for all the things which will no longer be.
and it's that which prompts him to ask something he hadn't planned ]
Was there ever a time, a moment, when you or Anakin felt, or perhaps heard, through the Force-- that is. After Naboo, you did not sense me again--?
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No. Not that I know of.
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No. That would have been too much to hope--
[ he cuts himself off. ]
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no. this was his failure to shoulder. ]
It may have been felt by someone else.
[ yoda. anakin. people stronger in the force than obi-wan.
obi-wan, after all, has never been qui-gon's first choice. ]
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[ with dooku fallen and the jedi at war, qui-gon knows who he would try to contact first.
but he hadn't, so he had failed. qui-gon is subdued, almost resigned, as he continues]
I... never had the chance to tell you this, but during my travels I came to visit the Whills. From their shaman I learned there was a way for individuals to retain their sense of individuality after death.
There is much to master in what he taught me, and my progress, it seems, has not been enough.
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I — I never knew.
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You're- you were my apprentice, Obi-Wan. There were more important things for you to learn. And there would have been time to tell you, once you were ready.
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what is he then? ]
. . . Of course.
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You think I ought to have told you?
[ he can't keep that feeling of failure from his voice as he says it. he's weathered too much in the last few minutes, and obi-wan has both his respect and trust. he can be honest. ]
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Focus on the present. Isn't that what you always say? The time has passed for those questions.
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