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[jedies]

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[jedies]

[ ah. that can be a lot, the loss of control. hurting people you love. his expression softens. ]

You keep saying "I". But you realize it wasn't you, was it? Something else took a hold of you. Think about it. Reach into yourself.

You could never do such a thing. Your very being rebels against it.

[lightthedarkness]

[She felt her eyes burn, having tried not to cry the whole time she talked.

She was currently failing. She furiously scrubbed her eyes with her napkin.]

I'm sorry, I don't... mean to make such a nice lunch so heavy. [The whole POINT was to make this NOT serious and here she was failing spectacularly.

But the way he spoke, so soothingly, so assuredly, she wasn't sure why but it immediately hit her at her core.]

It... you make it sound so simple. [It wasn't like others hadn't said something similar. She cried when they said it too.]

[jedies]

[ he reaches for her hand, squeezing it lightly. ]

Because it is simple. It wasn't you. That's all I need to know.

[lightthedarkness]

[She's quick to grab his hand back. Usagi does not shy away from comfort and contact. She is, instead, always seeking out others. When Obi-Wan offers his hand, she takes it. She bows her head, crying silently and trying her best to stop.

Usagi takes several breaths, trying to catch it.]

A-All the same, I don't want her to come back. And I've been so scared about her returning, about hurting anyone again. I... I've been so cruel. I asked my friends to take my life at the first sign of her.

I don't want to hurt anyone but I asked for something so ridiculously cruel.

[jedies]

[ it is certainly a conundrum. there are old stories of jedi masters and students who have made pacts like that. there is no right answer to be found. ]

It is a cruelty to them but a kindness to you. I'm sure your friends can recognize that much at least.

[lightthedarkness]

[Eventually, she calms down, crying had helped relieve the stress that was building up.]

They're amazing and incredible, they do recognize it, but they don't agree, they say it won't happen, they won't let it.

And I believe in them. Even if I cannot believe in myself, I believe in them.

But I'm scared, too.

[jedies]

I'm glad you believe in your friends so strongly.

But I do think you need to leave a little for yourself too.

[lightthedarkness]

[She wipes away the last of her tears, sniffling, finally calmed down completely.]

It's not that I don't believe in myself most of the time. [She frowns.] But with this, last time... I tried so hard to stop myself, I fought against every thought I could about hurting someone.

It didn't matter what I actually wanted, that's not what happened.

So isn't it... better to ask for help when I know it may happen all over again?

[jedies]

It's always best to ask for help, certainly.

But do you want to assume this fear will return every year? To control you like this?

[lightthedarkness]

Do I want to? No. But I rather be prepared if it does. I don't know what will happen, Obi-Wan, no one does. But this is still... connected to that family and that place, even if people are nicer and not trying to kill us every other day.

This place is still dangerous and we're still in the dark. I rather be cautious and pleasantly surprised and even HAPPY to be wrong rather than insist it'll be different this time and caught by surprise by things repeating themselves. [It is, admittedly, WAY more pessimistic of a mindset than usual for her, but when you literally murder multiple loved ones and maim even more and try to destroy everyone, yeah, she's going to be super pessimistic and cautious.]

What would you have me do otherwise?

[jedies]

[ hmm. she's not wrong and obi-wan doesn't take censure to her methods. but it is the pessimism that bothers him. the way fear has taken hold. ]

As I said. Just be careful not to let the fear control you.

[lightthedarkness]

I... [She sighs. She can't say she won't. She's had a sleepless night or... ten about this. The restless nights aren't just because of this place. It's because of October too, of the idea of repeating the past.]

I'm sorry. [She hadn't meant to dump all of this on him... again. This was meant to be a break from the drama.] I seem to be just piling on to you and that isn't what I wanted.

[jedies]

Not at all. I am your friend. If something is troubling you, I prefer you be honest about it.

Isn't that what you would ask of yours?

[lightthedarkness]

It's not that I wouldn't want to tell my friends. Honestly, they'd be the very first people I'd go to.

But what about you? Who do you go to when something is troubling you?

[jedies]

Of course. I always have the Jedi. Master Yoda, Mace, Luminara . . . They are always there when I need them.

[lightthedarkness]

[Usagi's brow knit together and she frowns.] What about someone here, Obi-Wan-san? [She's pretty sure the only Jedi here is Anakin?]

[jedies]

[ ah. ]

I'll admit, I haven't gotten that close to anyone here. There's always something going on that I rarely have opportunity to consider it.

[lightthedarkness]

[Ah indeed.]

No offense, that seems like a big problem. And I know I'm not a Jedi but... you could come to me, if you wanted? I won't always understand but... well this friendship isn't one way. It's not just me talking all about my problems, okay?

I can help in more ways than I might look.

[jedies]

[ he seems bemused. ]

Of course I know that.

[lightthedarkness]

[Does he, though? She tilted her head.]

I'm just repeating it, then. You don't have to stand alone in anything here.

[jedies]

[ it's hard to tell with obi-wan. he is a lot older than most people in deerington and thus, more mature and composed. to dig deeper is not the easiest thing to manage. and obi-wan is adept at fending off queries. ]

I will not forget.

[lightthedarkness]

Please don't, you shouldn't have to face so much alone.

[Especially rgarding their mutual... "friends."]

But let's order, yeah?

[jedies]

Yes, let's. Everything looks lovely.

[lightthedarkness]

Hope you really like mushrooms, that seems to be the... main [only] vegetarian options.

[jedies]

I am fine with them.

Thank you for catering to my interests. I am not a strict vegetarian but it is where my tastes go these days.